Disconnected Ramblings About the Past Six Years

On March 24, 2011, I first stepped foot in the school where I am still teaching.

Three years ago, I wrote this post. (Please pardon the appearance--I changed the design and it messed up some of my previous posts. Haha.) I reread it earlier today and was reminded how easy it is to forget. How easy it is to get caught in a rut. How easy it is to get so busy that we stop really seeing the students. How easy it is to focus on checking the essays and forget the student behind the essays. I'm only six years into the field--a newbie compared to many of my colleagues--but some days I feel like I've been teaching forever, and I fear that sometimes I teach that way now.

If you look at the number of posts per year, it's pretty obvious that the more years go by, the fewer posts there are. I really should write more because I always end up getting rebuked by my own writing.

At the end of my sixth year at my school, I will say goodbye to a graduating batch. I have never really had to say goodbye to a whole batch yet as I started in 3rd Grade, moved up to 6th, then moved to 10th, plus we had senior high added 2 years ago, which means that I keep getting the same kids all over again. The reality that these students are really leaving the school and I won't see them every day makes me ask myself, "Have I done all I can to point them to Christ?"

I'm going to add to my previous list of things I've learned in my time teaching.

13) Ask students tough questions. The more I interact with high school students, the more I realize how skewed their worldview has become thanks to the subtle (and not-so-subtle) influence of the world. I can't assume that they even understand the Gospel. Asking them to articulate what they really believe or asking them about the state of their own souls may seem like pulling teeth sometimes, but there are kids who do listen and think. Some kids just don't step up in their thinking because they haven't been expected to step up.

14) Pray with students. These kids are in high school. They often come to me with their problems. I always listen, but I've learned that I need to be more intentional in both listening and then pointing them to Christ. I've learned that instead of just telling them I'll pray for them, I can start by praying with them right then and there.

15) Find the appropriate balance, and learn to say no. :) Looking back on my posts during my first years of teaching, I had more time to spend with the kids. I wasn't leaving school at 8 or 9 pm as often as I do now. I definitely don't know the kids with the same depth that I did several years ago, and I think a lot of that has to do with the amount of responsibilities that I've acquired as the years have gone by. I can't say I've learned to find the appropriate balance, but at least I acknowledge that it's something I need to work harder to find. Haha

16) Strive for greater holiness. A right understanding of holiness is so lacking in much of the Christian world. As I've talked to my students about holiness (I've gone through several chapters of Kevin De Young's The Hole in Our Holiness during homeroom time this year), God has convicted me of my own sin and the need to really strive for holiness, "without which no one will see God."

We're just a few weeks away from the end of another school year! God has indeed proven Himself faithful time and time again throughout this school year--and the past six years that I've been teaching here. When I was 18, I had my future planned out. Pretty much all of my plans never came to fruition. In the eleven years since then, God has shown me that He does direct my steps, and His plan is way better than I could have ever thought up. :)

Six years ago, I first stepped foot in this school.
Five years ago, a librarian first stepped foot in the same school.
Four years ago, I started seriously believing I'd never get married.
Three years ago, I started leading a book club with the aforementioned librarian.
Two years ago, I couldn't figure out if the aforementioned librarian liked me or was just super friendly.
Two months shy of one year ago, we started officially "dating" or whatever you want to call it.
79 days from now, Lord willing, the English teacher weds the librarian.

Pardon the disconnected nature of this post.
The teenagers stole my brain.
In summary, Soli Deo Gloria!

the unCHANG[E]ing One you can believe in.

I can't believe half a year has gone by since my last post. The weeks became months as things spiralled into the typical end-of-the-year craziness consisting of chasing after students with incomplete requirements, preparing for prom and retreat, trying to check quarter exams in one night, grading, and packing. The beginning of the year was a whirlwind, and suddenly we're getting ready to start a new school year!

Today (at the time of writing this) marks 12 years since I was baptized. It's hard to believe that more than a decade has passed since my public profession of faith. I look back on the years of God's faithfulness, how He has shown me mercy in spite of my stubbornness and lack of faith. It's quite timely, too, that I'm reading a book (which is actually a transcription of sermons) by Dale Ralph Davis on the life of Abraham. It has been a rebuke to me in my own lack of faith at times and how God still persistently shows grace to His children in spite of their foolishness.

How good is the God we adore,

Our faithful unchangeable Friend!

His love is as great as His power,

And knows neither measure nor end!

I don't do well with change, whether that change is good or bad. It's always an adjustment to accept the reality that things don't always stay the same. It seems weird that I can even be averse to good changes, but it's true: I value consistency, from the shallowest things to the bigger things in life. (Shallow example: I tend to order the exact same thing when I eat at restaurants because why disappoint myself if I order something new and don't like it?) I am reminded from the hymn quoted above that in a constantly changing world, God is faithful and unchangeable! The word 'unchangeable' doesn't mean just that He never changes (as the word 'unchanging' means), but that He is not able to change! How wonderful is that truth!

March to April was a whirlwind of change and emotions. Back in October, I wrote about my 'favorite' batch. Near the end of the school year, a number of them confirmed that they would be transferring out for Senior High. Naturally, this was emotionally 'traumatic' for me. They're so much more than just students to me, and we've given each other pieces of our hearts over the years. Yes, I cried during the retreat. During the closing ceremony when we sang the "Irish Blessing" (school tradition) to the 10 or so leaving, I was trying not to cry behind one of the big boys (and only succeeded by thinking of the funny moments with the kids). But then the school year ended and I simply had to accept that some would be leaving and it won't be the same next year. Right on the heels of that, I went back the United States. I tried to prepare myself for the changes I knew I'd see there, but I still wasn't quite prepared for everything. But then again, it drove me to fall back on the Unchanging One who is consistent in His nature and grace.

’Tis Jesus the First and the Last,

Whose Spirit shall Guide us safe home,

We’ll praise Him for all that is past,

And trust Him for all that’s to come.

The past half year has brought many different changes, both not-so-good (in our sometimes twisted perception of what should count as 'good')  and some wonderful, but the Lord is teaching me to praise Him for the things of the past and trust Him for the future. :)


*Disclaimer: The type of change I'm talking about relates to more concrete things and not the necessary heart changes that need to be done in us or the changes we need to make to pursue godliness and holiness more. :) 

Click HERE for a funny walk down memory lane with the same batch of kids that I cried over because they were moving up or moving out.

Have some random pictures from other people's cameras:

Hapi and I spent part of the end-of-the-year-faculty retreat in the clinic. Haha

#selfiewithastudent

#selfiewithstudents

This past year's cell group. I think I have them again for this year too! :)

I just saw I had saved this one too, and it's one of my favorite pictures.

Right near the end of December, I went to San Pablo with friends and we enjoyed a nice lunch and beautiful weather on Lake Pandin. Great way to end the year!

Blood Diamond

The year 2015 has brought with it many acts of violence. Just a few weeks ago, there were senseless shootings in Paris. Last week there was another shooting  in California at a facility for the developmentally disabled. Today, December 7^th, marks the seventy-fourth anniversary of the Attack on Pearl Harbor. And today, I found myself seated in the AVR at school with probably about 150 high school students, watching a movie that unfolded the depravity of human beings in a fictional but very real story. And the students laughed at the worst parts.

Blood Diamond is a movie about diamonds being smuggled from war-torn Sierra Leone to Liberia, and eventually to London at the profit of both warlords and diamond companies abroad. Wait. No. It’s not really about that. It’s a movie about men trying to believe in the basic inherent goodness of mankind who meet other men who have been left to their own devices and are senselessly putting to death their own kind. It’s a movie about how a person’s value system can become so warped that they will do anything to get what they want, even at the cost of another man’s life. It’s a movie that glorifies humanistic philosophy; a movie without God; a movie devoid of any real hope.

The story centers around two main characters: a white Zimbabwean (Danny Archer) and a fisherman (Solomon Vandy). They both want the same thing: a diamond, but for entirely different reasons. Along the way, a third character, a woman (of course), joins them as an American reporter bent on getting the ‘real story’ so that she can actually do something to change the situation in Africa. She spends her time interviewing people and taking pictures, but all the while knows that it might move some people to write a check or shed a tear, but it won’t change the situation. She wants to get to the heart of the diamond smuggling business, and she knows that Archer has a hand in it. Maddy Bowen represents those humanistic philanthropists who want to do good, save the world, and live a fulfilled life. She believes that human beings are good or evil based on what they choose to do. Other characters reflect this philosophy, including a man who was rescuing child soldiers from the RUF to ‘un-brainwash’ them, and at one point he says, “I believe man is inherently good” and then goes on to talk about how his experience, though, proves otherwise. Archer, on the other hand, seems to be all bad. He wants the diamond to better his own life and to get out of the continent of Africa. He uses people and will say just about anything in order to achieve his goal. Vandy, on the other hand, is a man who just wants his family back, and if the diamond will help him get it, then yes, he wants that diamond too.  He will do anything to get his son, who has been taken captive by the RUF and brainwashed, back safely.

At the end of the movie, Archer and Vandy get the diamond, but Archer realizes he’s mortally wounded. Vandy, ever the noble one, tries to carry Archer to the helicopter, but Archer pleads with him to stop. He gives back the diamond (that up until then, he had planned to keep) and, in a perfect Hollywood moment, makes up for all his past sins. He calls Maddy and makes sure that she will take care of Vandy and his family and then tells her to expose everything in her report. As he stares eternity in the face, he makes his peace, and with a smile on his face and a beautiful African sunset in front of him, the camera pans out and the audience is led to believe that he has redeemed himself.

And that is just one big reason that this movie is incredibly sad and hard to watch.

Throughout the movie, there were acts of violence where the rebels would come in and just start shooting anyone they happened to see. The kidnapped, indoctrinated young boys were turned into killing machines. They were led to believe that it was all for the good of their country, even if it meant killing fellow countrymen who stood in their way. Honestly, it was sickening to watch. Women and children were shown gunned down, their bodies sometimes flying through the air, or their blood splattering on a wall behind them. Sometimes the shooting was deliberate and calculated. A man gets shot off a bridge. A couple other men get shot, but then shot again for good measure. Their bodies twitch and then lie still. And then the audience erupts in laughter. Who was laughing the most? The 7^th graders who had the largest turnout for movie night. The 7^th graders are 11 to 12 years old. They sat there laughing as they watched boys as young as themselves kill other human beings because for them, it’s not reality. It’s just a movie.

At the end of the movie, I ‘clinched’ it for the audience. Nobody really wanted to listen to me after sitting through a two hour movie, but I still tried to ask questions. Nobody wanted to say what they had learned, if they had learned anything, but some that I called on gave the typical answers: loyalty, courage, sticking up for someone, equality. I changed tactics and quoted the reporter who said that our goodness depends on what we choose to do. The whole audience agreed, blissfully ignorant of what they were saying. Then I asked them if we were basically good people. That was enough to prompt them to parrot back that no, we are sinners. The problem, though, was that they couldn’t answer the question that if we are bad people,  why aren’t we going around killing each other right now? I also talked about the humanistic viewpoint of the movie and that you cannot possibly be good apart from God. Some kids were listening, but most conveyed the opinion that I was ruining a perfectly good movie with my ‘intellectual questions.’ They got most quiet when I talked about their callousness to the violence in the film. Some of them seemed to have not realized that such violence is a living reality in for some children and not just something you watch on a screen in front of you.

I read 2 Chronicles 6 in my devotions this morning, and what jumped out at me was Solomon’s prayer: “But will God indeed dwell with mankind on the earth? Behold heaven and the highest heaven cannot contain Thee…” And yet, in the New Testament, Christ Himself came to earth, fully God and fully man, and dwelt among us for a time before He died on the Cross to atone for the sins of His people, making peace between a holy God and sinful man. The entire time I was watching the movie this evening, I was hoping Hollywood would surprise me and point to Christ, the only way of salvation and true redemption. Instead, it showed the reality that the world is dark and in desperate need of redemption and yet offered nothing to provide an ounce of true hope.

But praise God for His Word and the reality that the Savior has come and that because of HIS finished work on the Cross, we can be redeemed and have peace with God. And in the blackness of twisted, fallen humanity, the Gospel light shines brighter than any diamond, bringing real and living hope founded upon a real and living Savior who bought us with His own precious blood.

For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us;

And the government will rest on His shoulders;

And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.

There will be no end to the increase of His government or of peace,

On the throne of David and over his kingdom,

To establish it and to uphold it with justice and righteousness

From then on and forevermore.

The zeal of the Lord of hosts will accomplish this.

 Isaiah 9:6-7

Love.

One there is, above all others,

Well deserves the name of Friend;

His is love beyond a brother's,

Costly, free, and knows no end:

They who once His kindness prove

Find it everlasting love.

The Second Quarter flew by; I blinked and it was gone. It always takes me by surprise how fast a school year goes. It's like the school year is on wheels going down a hill, gradually picking up speed until before you know it, it's graduation time again. Tomorrow was supposed to be the first day of our quarter exams, but classes were suspended for tomorrow because of Typhoon Lando.

This quarter, I opted not to teach Jane Eyre again for this batch because it didn't seem right for their needs. Instead, I decided to try out Kite Runner on them. It's a hard book to go through for some kids who live more sheltered lives. There are parts that are somewhat graphic and definitely difficult to read, no matter how sheltered you are. I decided to do it to try to expose them to some of the realities of the world outside their little box as their knowledge of the outside world is surprisingly limited. We started the year with some essential questions, two of them being "What is wrong with the world?" and "What is a human being?" We were able to address those questions with To Kill a Mockingbird in the first quarter, but even more so in the second.

One thing that came out in their reader-response journals was that they were surprised that people could be capable of such terrible sins. The other thing that came out was their sense of self-righteous disapproval of the main character, Amir, for his cowardice, and the fact that they would be like the other main character, Hassan, who was always loyal to his friend. One of the prompts asked them if they thought they were more of an Amir or a Hassan and almost all of them easily said that they would never, ever betray a friend like Amir did. Only a few were honest enough to say that they would want to be like Hassan, but they'd probably end up being selfish like Amir. Worse than this, though, were the kids who latched on to Rahim Khan's statement, "There is a way to be good again" and talked about how there is always hope and you can always atone for your mistakes. I discussed with them that the saddest part about the book is not even the plot but that the whole story is about a man who seeks to atone for his sins apart from Christ. The journals were good opportunities to try to insert gospel truth into their convoluted thoughts and misconceptions about the gospel.

For the final journal entry, I gave them the option of just writing what they had learned. One student chose to write on the theme of love. She starts off her entry talking about how 'love' is a word that is overly used and is more than just a feeling. She talks about how love isn't really simple, as seen in Kite Runner. She admires the example of sacrificial love that Hassan shows time and time again, 'a thousand times over' for Amir. She concludes on a personal level, but she mentions asking God to 'help her change herself' to love others more. Naturally, I took that as an opportunity to give her unsolicited advice about love, the greatest model of true love, and the inability to change ourselves. But her entry was a good reminder for me personally, especially at the end of this quarter when the kids' issues start to crop up.

Love is not simple. 

Love is costly.

Love is tough.

Love is an action.

The batch I'm currently teaching is not new to me. I had them back in 2012 when they were in 6th grade. It was my first homeroom class and my class was the notorious one for issues: behavioral, emotional, and academic. They've been called the drama batch, the YOLO batch, the Swag batch. They tend to gang up against teachers. They only obey if they see the reason. They defy authority. They believe in unity, even if it's in trouble. But they also respond to love, and with the passion that they can hate, they also can love. But it's a tricky task sometimes, getting their hearts, gaining their trust, and still giving them the punishment that they also sometimes deserve. They're the batch that has taught me more about love than any of the other batches. For some reason, I've always been close to them. Unfortunately, when you're close, you run the risk of them becoming way too familiar with you. They can be frustrating with their disrespect and their drama. You give them your trust and they turn around and break it. You love them and give them grace and they go and abuse it. They can be stubborn and hard-headed. But then I think of my own self.

Could we bear from one another

What He daily bears from us?

Yet this glorious Friend and Brother

Loves us though we treat Him thus:

Though for good we render ill,

He accounts us brethren still. 

Loving my students when they are the most unloving is tough, but how can I not in light of God's great love that is bestowed upon me? It's an unwritten part of my contract: I must love my students because I am loved of Christ.

Praise God indeed for His continual breaking, humbling, molding, and keeping of His children, and praise God for the opportunity to seek to live out this love before these precious young people. I only pray that He would work in their hearts and bring them to true repentance for His glory alone. And may I--may we--love Christ supremely above all our earthly affections, counting earthly gain but dross, living in this world but waiting and hoping for the world to come.

O for grace our hearts to soften!

Teach us, Lord, at length to love;

We, alas! forget too often

What a Friend we have above:

But when home our souls are brought,

We will love Thee as we ought. 

The Sands of Time are Sinking

I was sitting at my desk the other afternoon chatting with another teacher when a little boy suddenly appeared at my side. He was holding a steaming hot pizza bar which he shoved into my face.

"It's too hot. I can't get it out," he says, pushing the pizza bar dangerously close to my nose.

"Uh.. well, if it's too hot, you probably shouldn't eat it right now or it will burn you," I say touching it and realizing that it is quite hot.

"Are you a science teacher??????" he asks, with a very suspicious look on his face.

"No..." I say, and he leaves, probably disgusted with me for daring to give him advice about heat, which is obviously only believable if a science teacher says it.

I went back to working at my desk. Five minutes later, he appeared at my other elbow.

"You know what???" he says, in a hoarse whisper as he reaches his arm up around my neck and yanks me down to his pizza-bar-filled-mouth, "my mom teaches Grade 7!"

"Uh... that's nice," I say, trying to pull away from the loudly masticating mouth.

"And you know what else???" he whispers, probably spitting particles of pizza bar mixed with saliva into my ear and hair, "She's going to teach Grade 11!"

"Oh wow..." I say, trying to be enthusiastic despite the loud munching and hot breath.

"Why do you teach Grade 10?"

"Um..."

===

Good question, little one. Why do I teach high school? Never in my wildest imagination did I think I'd be teaching any grade higher than 3rd. I am not trained for high school, and it's a wild ride of catching up on all the reading I should have paid attention to in high school and learning how to teach  apathetic teenagers who grew up on gadgets and not books. I think this is why I teach high school: I enjoy the challenge and the constant learning that inevitably occurs. In the end, I love that day in and day out, I am being humbled by the challenges thrown my way, challenges that sometimes give me indigestion, bad dreams, and panic-attacks. To teach is to be a forever student.

Last night, my mom and I watched Inside Out. I didn't cry. I almost did. But I didn't. Maybe I should have. I don't like dealing with emotions, especially when it comes to big things in life. I tend to worry and over-think two of my emotions: joy and sadness. I worry about appearing too excited or too happy. I worry about showing how sad I am. What I appreciated about the movie is the balance of joy and sadness and that the two often go hand-in-hand. I was reminded of the old hymn The Sands of Time are Sinking, a hymn I've heard sung at a funeral and at a wedding. I haven't moved around as much as some MKs, but I have been uprooted multiple times. I've gradually let go of different childhood hopes and dreams, and it does hurt. I have beautiful memories from all over the world, but some of these memories are tempered with sadness as those people have either grown distant or gone on. And yet, through all these things, I am also reminded of Psalm 23, a Psalm that speaks of both the valleys and green pastures in life and through it all, the Shepherd in whom we lack no thing.

Why do I teach high school? I teach high school because God has placed me there, and I have come to really love it. I am so glad that we serve a God who breaks us of our self-dependence, our pride, and sometimes our long-held dreams to give us the joy that comes in the morning, that joy found only in Him.

With mercy and with judgment my web of time He wove

And aye, the dews of sorrow were lustered by His love; 

I'll bless the hand that guided, I'll bless the heart that planned

When throned where glory dwelleth in Emmanuel's land.

Summer 2015

Today was the first day of the new school year. How that came upon us so fast, I don't even know. It seems like we were just trying to survive the end of the year activities, and now we're back to new beginnings all over again. This summer was a back-to-back busy one! The month of March was one thing after another as we tried to wrap up. I went to the Grade 10 and Grade 6 retreats (two separate weekends). I also survived prom for the first time. I attended 3 graduations and therefore spent ten and a half hours sitting in the AVR. :)

Rebap Camp was at the beginning of April (Thurs-Sat) and then we had a Faculty/Staff retreat the following Monday-Tuesday. I left on Wednesday for Davao where I got to share with some kids there who were struggling with being adopted. That was an interesting opportunity. I also got to spend some time with Jenn and rest and relax a bit. I got home Saturday, and then Sunday night I left for CRBC because I went to spend the majority of my summer living at the CCM Girls' Home. That whole next week was crazy because it was also their DVBS at church. I spent the week there and then left because the following week I had to fly to Bacolod for the ACSI leadership conference. Once I got back, I spent the remaining 3 weeks of my break at CCM, tutoring the girls with reading difficulties. It was nice timing because my last day there was April 16 which was also the 20th Anniversary celebration of CCM. I got to go to that and then had one Sunday before heading back to school! What a whirlwind! :) That's my summer in a nutshell.

Once I got back to school, we were immediately swamped with meetings, seminars, and more meetings! It's a challenging year for us since we are working on getting re-accredited with ACSI. I also have a bigger role this year as I am the subject coordinator for English. That means I have to check lesson plans and make observations for Grades 1-9, as well as teach Gr. 10. I am also apparently on the "steering team" for the ACSI accreditation. I don't even know what that means other than sleepless nights. :) Thankfully I am only teaching one grade level, and since they're 2 sections, I really only teach one and a half hours a day. It's also good because I'm spending my Saturdays doing follow-up tutoring at CCM.

Another new thing this year is that I've been joined by my dad! Since the Department of Education opened up "senior high" (which is not even close to what it is in the States), the school brought in outside "professors" to teach certain subjects. My dad was assigned to Intro to the Philosophy of the Human Person. In other words, anthropology, or "The Doctrine of Man." DepEd increased the number of class hours per semester from 40 to 80, so now he teaches 4 hours on a Monday afternoon. Whew! At least they survived their first day today. I'm glad that the batch he has was the one I had last year. They are full of spiritual questions and I hope this profits them beyond merely fulfilling DepEd's course requirements.

In church news, we celebrated our 28th Anniversary yesterday. It was also a building thanksgiving because we just finished the 4th extension. If you look at the building, you can count God's faithfulness in the number of beams marking each extension. I turn 28 this year, and it's an encouragement to see how God has grown the church within the same years of my life. When I came back from the States, I became a member (again) of MCBC simply because it was the most obvious thing to do. There was a time when I really wondered why I hadn't even thought of going to a different church, even if it's still Rebap. Was I a part of the church because I really believed that it is Biblically sound? Was I committed out of habit or from my heart? As I've grown, I've realized how blessed I have been to stay in this church because, by God's grace, the elders remain faithful to God's word and have not given into the "worship trends." We are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but we are seeking to be more like Christ. Even the fact that we still practice a whole day Sabbath is something to thank God for, as many churches have eliminated their evening service and spend the rest of the day as a family day.

Our school theme this year is "Commit to CEO." That stands for take Courage, give Excellence, and grab Opportunities. This year is challenging for students as well as for me, and it's a good reminder of my dependence upon the Lord of the universe. Soli Deo Gloria.

With co-teachers in Bacolod

Bacolod scenery :)

I did a seminar on Biblical Integration for a school in Tarlac.

Church extension -- see the beams?

Calvin is here for a year for his internship! The boy is almost a doctor!

High School Faculty 

Classroom birthday board

New desks for Grade 10!

Eleven out of twenty-two founding members

Dad survived his first day of teaching high schoolers!

Here I Raise My Ebenezer

Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far the LORD has helped us." 1 Samuel 7:12

I feel like 2014 is just beginning, but when I check the calendar, I realize that it’s 2015. Ten years ago, I was a college freshman. Where did the time go! I have often been the kind of person who lives in the past – too much so, I’m afraid. I wonder at the would-have-beens like Lucy in the Chronicles of Narnia. I try to relive decisions and experiences in an attempt to hold on to something or to attempt, in vain, to change the present. In the past few years, though, by God’s grace, I’ve started to learn to live more in the present and especially to look forward to future Glory.  I look back on this year, and honestly, it’s one big blur. God’s faithfulness, however, is evident in all the events of this year.  Here at the end of 2014, I raise my Ebenezer and recall ways in which God has helped me thus far.

• March - He helped me in the crazy wrap-up that was the Bridging Program at school.  It was exhausting; He supplied unusual strength.
• April - He provided a way for me to go back to the States to visit family and friends after 3 years.
• He helped me conquer my fear and insecurities about going back to America knowing that people and places had changed, and that life had moved on.
• July - He amazingly and completely out-of-the-blue provided better (in other words, mold-free) housing walking distance from school, and I haven’t enjoyed such good health (and breathing ability) in the past 2 years!
• He carried and is carrying me through teaching two different levels – 6th grade and 10th grade – especially when 10th grade is not what I’m trained to teach.
• He has given me incredible gospel opportunities with my 10th graders!
• October /December - He gave our family a sweet time of fellowship in Hong Kong over my sembreak, and then gave me another opportunity to travel to Indonesia to celebrate the Indonesian wedding reception of a college friend! Nine and a half years ago, who would have ever dreamed this story!
• He also taught me many spiritual lessons, and He is continuing to faithfully teach me, to break me, and to show me more of my need for Him.

I don’t know what 2015 will hold. I pray that I don’t lose my drive and desire to serve Him in the same place. As someone who spent six years of the last decade moving around, changing jobs, and exploring possibilities, it’s hard for me to be rooted, but I’m learning. I have weird fears – like the fear of being “stuck” teaching at the same school for the rest of my life. It’s weird to live with the long-term in mind, though I’m seeing that sometimes staying is the best thing – and it can be just as exciting and adventurous as “leaping”!   I love teaching, but maybe not forever in the way that I do now. Being a teacher can be so all-consuming. It’s a challenge for me to develop friendships outside of school or get involved in anything else. I’ve really been hit this year with the loneliness that can come with the kind of job I hold.*  And yet there is so much good to do at school. There are so many opportunities to serve. I greatly love my students and the interaction we have every single day. I’m thankful to be used of God in this way, but it does come with sacrifice.

Staying. Being still. Knowing that HE is God. These are lessons that He is teaching me as I am surrendering (continuous tense) my will, hopes, and dreams for the future to His sovereign plan. This sounds like a depressing way to welcome in the New Year, but I amsomewhat excited for what He will bring in 2015. I do know one thing – thus far He has helped me, and He will continue to help me. Whatever he ordains is right, and that doesn’t mean it will be easy. That does not mean there won’t be times of intense sorrow. It does mean that there will many times of overwhelming grace and continuous, continuous outpourings of lovingkindness from the Father for His undeserving children. No matter what happens next year, my prayer is that I will be more drowned in Him, more totally in awe of Him, and more delighted to serve Him wherever He places me.

Look back to the Cross. Look continually upward to Christ. Look forward to Glory! Maranatha.

*Loneliness can be a result of choices. Balance is not always something I'm good at. It is easy to put blinders on and become too focused. (Ask my roommate who knows better than to talk to me when I'm in 'the zone.' Haha) I hope this year I'm better able to balance other people and still strive for excellence in my field. :) 

Living Like Reepicheep

*I forgot to paste this into blogger on December 23rd.*

 I have always loved Narnia. I liked The Chronicles of Narniaas a child, but I fell in love with them as an adult. For the Christian, these are more than stories. They draw our minds to greater spiritual realities and cause us to long to know the true God and to look forward to Heaven. Four years ago, I read through The Voyage of the Dawn Treader again because the movie came out that year. This year, I’m reading it again because it happens to be the book we are doing for the high school book club at school. Each time I read any of the Narnia books, I come away with something different and something so precious. On the anniversary of the passing of my grandfather, I want to talk about one of my favorite Narnians.

If you know the literary side of me, you are most likely quite aware of my bordering-on-obsessive-admiration of the mouse in the book: Reepicheep. Reepicheep was a mighty mouse who feared nothing and loved to do daring feats. He wasn’t just living for the high of adventure, though. He lived the way he did because he had a singular purpose: to find Aslan’s country. He lived life to the fullest, but he looked beyond it as well. In The Voyage,the characters needed to break a spell by sailing to the World’s End and leaving one of their company. Reepicheep believed that the utter East would lead him to his beloved Aslan, so he made up his mind to be the one left behind and go find Aslan’s country.  Caspian, however, also wanted to go and leave his role as King of Narnia and follow Reepicheep to see the World’s End. Much as Caspian desired to go, Aslan spoke to him and told him the difficult truth that he would have to remain where he was and the others were to go ahead – Reepicheep to find the Aslan’s country and the children to their own country.

At the very end of the book, the children meet Aslan again and Lucy asks him, “Will you tell us how to get into your country from our world?” Aslan answers, “I shall be telling you all the time. But I will not tell you how long or short the way will be; only that it lies across a river.But do not fear that, for I am the great Bridge Builder.”

Four years ago, when my grandfather passed away, Heaven became more real to me. I lost several things that year besides my grandfather, and I, like Caspian, wanted to just go to “Aslan’s country.” I wanted to shirk all my roles, whatever they were at the time, because after all, being with Christ is far better. And yet I am reminded that God doesn’t tell us how long or short the way is to Heaven. He will build that bridge for us, but while waiting, we ought to live like Reepicheep – investing wholeheartedly in obeying our Master in this life, but with the singular purpose of being with God for all eternity. Caspian’s desire was not wrong in itself, but he missed out on the fact that Aslan had given him a purpose that he still needed to fulfill before the time was right for him to go to Aslan’s country.

My grandfather was a quiet man, but he was steadfast in his hope. He loved Jesus until his last breath. Even when he had already lost much of his communicating abilities, he wrote on the chalkboard in the kitchen, “I love Jesus.” He was hard worker, but he didn’t let it take precedence over his devotional life and worship of his God. He spoke to his grandchildren of Jesus and Heaven and making sure we were right with God. When we were in college, he took on the task of leading us in family devotions in the absence of our dad. His prayers were Gospel-saturated and filled with that unshakable trust in the Lord and desire for His coming. He also enjoyed life. He showed us the hidden wonders of rocks when looked at under a black light. He tended a flourishing garden. He loved photographing people and nature. His delight in his Savior was seen in his delight in life. In many ways, my grandfather was a Reepicheep.

So here I am – his fourth grandchild, and second granddaughter. He has left behind a godly legacy. How will I honor that? Living like a Reepicheep looks like a good start. In many ways, I can be more like Caspian than Reepicheep. When I get lost in the sadness of this world, loneliness, and even uncertainty of the future, I want to pass on everything and go join Reepicheep to find the utter East. I forget that this life will be filled with pain and sadness. I can’t look for or even expect Aslan’s country in this life because I won’t find it. It’s not here. But I still have a life to live here for God’s glory until He, the great Bridge Builder, brings me across that River. I don’t know how long it will be. I don’t know how many loved ones will cross before me. That thought is often scary to me. But, as Aslan says, I have no need to fear that. The God who has been God since before time even began will continue to carry me through. May I – may you – be more of a Reepicheep, so that, as the hymn writer says, “having proved it Christ to live, may I know it Christ to die.”

Dwelling on Truth

The Bible says to think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praise-worthy. This becomes especially important in the face of lies hurled at us by the world and even our friends.

I read a friend's blogpost about being an MK, but within it, he included 5 questions that were posted in his high school English teacher's class. I decided to jump-start the 3rd quarter with those questions.

1. Who am I?

2. Who is my neighbor?

3. What is wrong with the world?

4. What is the significance of words?

5. How then shall I live?

I began the third quarter with poetry. I'm not a poetry expert. I am not good at interpreting poetry. I don't really even like poetry, but I do like spoken word poetry. I wanted to give them an example of spoken word poetry, so I played the video "To This Day." Right before class, I threw in some reflection questions just for the fun of it. I also wanted to see how discerning they could be about the world's messages of positivity and belief in self. Again, I am thankful that I teach in a Christian school where we can talk about these issues and offer truth rather than empty lies or unfounded assurances.

Most of the kids didn't notice what was missing in the poem. I expected that. I also expected at least one person to "get it" and she did. She also happens to write well. Here is her response:

      “I learned that anti-depressants are not going to work and that there are many broken people in the world today facing their own struggles. I disagree that the cure is merely believing in oneself. It’s much more than that. Man will always be broken and empty without God. Anti-depressants will not do the job. No matter how hard anyone tries, they will never find true contentment and joy without Jesus… In truth, without God, we are all broken people with no remedy and nothing to make us whole. There is only one answer and only one solution: God.”

What I didn't expect to happen was that a nearly six-foot-tall boy in the back would be sobbing at the end of class. What I didn't expect was that he would be surrounded by 3 other friends and when I watched to see what they would do, I saw them not trying to cheer him up by making him laugh, but instead, they were taking turns praying with him and for him. I got his reflection afterwards and saw that he said he is going through depression and has contemplated suicide before. He barely gives a hint of that at school. He distracts himself and just plays the class clown. I read another reflection by a girl who managed to hold in her tears and she said that she felt that the poem had exposed her own heart, but she didn't mention depression. She was one that had talked to me after the Puritan sermon assignment, and I think she may be a Christian or at least around the Wicket Gate. 

I realized again how I don't really know what God is doing in this batch of kids, but somehow He seems to be working. He's at least giving opportunities that I had not planned for at the beginning of the year. Being a Christian teacher is so, so much more than being a  dispenser of information. It's about getting to the hearts of the children and pointing them to things of eternal value. 

The beginning of my lesson for tomorrow has significantly changed. Now we're going to go through some of the lines of the poem and discuss who we are, the power of words, and the true hope that is so obviously missing in the poem. I hope my students begin to dwell on truth, think about truth, and not get sucked into the lies of the world. 

AND a big thank you to Catherine for the 3 Scripture Reference Counseling books that arrived right before this incident. :) 

Here's the video:

I accidentally fell in love.

This is a love story. It's not your typical love story. I call it...

Love Accidentally.

I was one of those homeschoolers who was raised on classic books and firmly believed that she would follow in the steps of Laura Ingalls Wilder or any of those girls who got married before they turned 20. I didn't really like school and I figured that I probably wouldn't really need college because I'd be married by 18. When I turned 17, I started to realize that it was 2004, not 1904, and most likely I would have to go to college. If you go to college, you'd better have a plan in mind! I wasn't good at math, unlike my brother. Engineering was definitely not in my future. I couldn't draw, so art was out of the question. I knew I would not make a good nurse, so following my mom was not an option. What was left? Teaching! Perfect! After all, it is the 21st Century, so I could afford to bide my time and get some more education before leaving it all to be the only thing I ever wanted to be: a wife and mother of 9 children, 8 boys and 1 girl to be be exact. And anyway, whatever I learned in college would be applicable to homeschooling a whole bunch of kids, so that's why I decided to become a teacher.

Most people talk about their "calling" to be a teacher and how they knew that that's all they wanted to be. During seminars and teacher talks, teachers will talk about that moment when they knew they were called to become a teacher. Teachers love to ask each other what made them want to be a teacher. And then there's me. Why did I want to become a teacher? Uh. I didn't? or Uh...because I figured it would be a good way to bide my time before I left it all to be a stay-at-home mommy? I honestly never had that "moment" when I just knew that "touching lives for eternity" was something I wanted to invest in. Sure, I liked kids (probably liked their books more), and it would be fun to play with kids all day. That was as "confirming" as it got. I had no epiphanies or an insatiable love for children.

Fast forward to my fifth-ish year teaching. My "moment" did eventually come. It came while I was already teaching. I don't have an exact instance, but I know that I learned I wanted to teach for the sake of teaching after I was already a teacher. Better late than...later, huh?

I fell in love with teaching, but I hadn't meant to.

I moved up to high school this year. When I was in college, I thought 3rd grade would be my max. The next year I was moved to 6th grade. Two years after that, I found myself teaching 10th. It's so different teaching high school after having taught grade school! Teaching is so much more than all those papers I check. It's so much more than all the texts I send to parents. Teaching is more than the hours I pour into reading up on literature I've never heard of, literary terms I vaguely remember not paying attention to, researching skills I had no idea were essential for every high school graduate. It's also not just the 45 minutes standing in front of 20-some lanky teenagers, dispensing information that is supposed to help prepare them for the future. That only represents a small piece of what it means to teach. If that was all that comprised teaching, I would never have fallen in love with it.

Teaching is also the hours spent after class with brokenhearted teenagers crying over a reading assignment you assigned because you hoped and prayed that it would go deeper than academics, yet you never really believed a teenager would really take it seriously. Teaching is also the times you spend during lunch break just chatting with the kids, getting to know their other interests. It's the moments that you push away the stack of papers that is obviously filling up your desk and must be returned the very next day as you say, "Of course I'm not too busy. What's up?" when a girl with red eyes comes to ask you about how to do what she knows is right, yet she knows it will hurt her very much. Teaching is about sacrifice--when you have so much to do and yet you go to the boys' basketball team because you know that boys will work harder for you when they know you also care about what interests them. Teaching is about modeling love--unconditional love--grace, sacrifice, humility, and kindness. You can't talk about those things if you don't show them that you abide by those things too.

Teaching is scary. Teaching is tough. I've seen more of the ugliness of myself as I've taught these kids. If I want to win students to Christ, I have to live Christ-like before them. I have to try to point them toward a glorious and beautiful Savior. I ask them questions to try to stir them up to think about things that really matter. How do you manage your time? How much do you pray? How far are you willing to go in obedience to Him? How much do you love Him? These are all questions that I throw at my students, and then, like a curve-ball, the same questions hit me in the face and I'm forced to ask myself the same questions. Do I love Him supremely above all else? Do I hunger and thirst after righteousness? I see how feeble I am and how far I fall short of His standard. How little I love Him. It's so humbling to be a teacher, and I see how much more I need to be like Mary and spend time at the feet of the master Teacher.

A decade ago, my life was all planned out. I smile at how God takes those "silly" plans and changes them, sometimes breaking me and molding me painfully in the process, to give me what I really need. I don't know how He's going to use me in the lives of these children, but I'm so excited. I love being a teacher. I love that part of teaching is being taught every single day. Though I'm scared as I feel the weight of this trust and stewardship, I'm grateful for how God has orchestrated the events in my life to give me this opportunity to serve in this capacity. Maybe one day I will get my childhood "dream job," (minus the 9 kids part!) but I'm thankful that God has allowed me to be part of of helping raise 235 (and counting) children, even though my initial reason for becoming a teacher was a little off.

I accidentally fell in love with teaching.