A couple weeks from now will mark one year since I landed back in the Philippines. Time certainly does fly, at least it does in retrospect. As you can tell, blogging is not high on my priority list. The only reason I do it anyway is to save the pain of writing by hand and because I'm too lazy to actually email people. (Yes, I am that pathetic.)
Another reason I barely wrote over the past year is because I was scared to. I don't communicate well verbally. My brain actually thinks in organized paragraphs. When it comes to speaking, it's all a jumble. I am much clearer and deeper if I have to write. I didn't want to write because I knew I'd be 'honest' and 'open' to whoever reads this. It's always tempting to want to look like you have everything all together and that you're some sort of spiritual giant who is never depressed and is happy all the time, time, time. I knew if I actually wrote, as in really wrote, you would see I am not. Solution? Don't write.
This post has been a long time in coming. I've written it multiple times in my brain. So now here it goes into cyberspace for the whole world to read if they happen to find it...
How can I define this past year? This year reminds me of my first year of college. I walked through the valley this year. I walked longer and deeper in the valley than I did my freshman year of college. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. When I finally got the chance to go back to the Philippines, I was excited. I had finally arrived at the place that I wanted to be when I left for college. What could go wrong? I was hired within 2 weeks of landing in the Philippines. (In fact, I first stepped foot into the school the day after I landed in the Philippines.) I finally had a teaching job! PBU prepares you very well professionally. I came armed with all my college notes, big ideas, a cognitive-interactionist philosophy of education, and the lofty opinion that I was going to change the educational system. Well guess what? Yeah. No. My hopes plummeted within the first few weeks where I discovered that there is actually specific format and font to be used in worksheets. The graphics on the syllabus had to look exactly the same across all levels of English. There were graded and non-graded worksheets. Kids need to stand to
I commute to school every day. My self-sacrificing and gracious mom drives me out to the jeeps at 5:40am every morning so that I don't have to write 2 tricycles out. I get to school at 6:20am. I usually get home around 6 or 6:30 or even later on some days. I try to go to bed between 8 and 9 so I am not cranky to the kids the next day. I lived and breathed school this year. I often said no to friends because I had school to do. I barely saw people except on Sundays because I rushed out after prayer meeting so I could go to bed. By the time it was November, I was ready to quit school. I hated my job and I was incredibly lonely. I craved fellowship with church friends but staying on top of things for school was always more important. The times I did hang out with people, I thought about all I had to do for the next week of school.
It was hard to not like my job. The only other job I didn't really like was the bank, but in the end, I didn't mind that one too much. By the middle of the year I was thinking, "I'm totally in the wrong place. I mean, I didn't come back to teach rich kids. I'm supposed to be reaching out to those who are less privileged! This is so not missionary service." I had to learn that service to God is not determined by where you are and where you think you should be. More on that here.
After the faculty and staff retreat, I was convinced I needed to find another place to serve. I needed to find a job that would allow me to take Tagalog lessons and work at the same time. I started exploring options. There was no doubt that I was going to resign and do something else. At the end of November, I was supposed to give my answer as to whether I'd be staying for another year. The paper never came.
The deepest part of the valley was during the 3rd quarter, right before Christmas break. It's always darkest before dawn... My loneliness was at its peak. My heart felt like one big puzzle piece with various pieces of it scattered across the globe. I have a lot of really different friends. Some might not get along well with each other, but fit perfectly together in my heart.
For the next part, I'm going to quote directly out of my journal.
Dec. 25
God always wakes me up to the reality that He is good and my self-pity and questioning His providences are so ridiculous and sinful. He reminds me that I am loved and that He makes people for each other. We are not meant to walk this earth alone. He is sufficient, but He also gives us brethren.
Today I was rebuked by my Father again. He often rebukes me with His goodness. I think I tend to be pessimistic. [Correction: I don't tend to be.. I am.] If something unpleasant happens, I think I deserve it. It is not a rebuke. Kindness floors me. It is kindness that makes me feel so rotten for my doubt. Today something happened that I thought would only exist in my daydreams. Catherine showed up at church today. I was floored with God's kindness in sending her at the time of my walk in the valley. I was floored by His love demonstrated through my parents and everyone who made it happen. I am loved!
My dad didn't let me buy a ticket for Cebu because he knew Catherine was coming and [we would get to go]. I was immediately upset [to put it mildly] when he said no, but then I remembered he has never done anything without a reason. I figured Andy was coming but when I was sure that wasn't true, I went back to doubting his goodness. [I mostly held to the opinion that it was some sort of punishment that I most definitely deserved anyway.] He has never disappointed me, and yet I doubted my earthly father and in so doing, my heavenly Father. Once again, I am rebuked with His love. The disappointment of the past few weeks and the loneliness of the past few years reminds me of His sufficiency and also His love in the valley. Valleys are good, though a bitter road to walk. So here is life with a Father who does what is best. And here I am... rebuked again by my doubt. God is good -- all the time.
After the break, the valley still wasn't over, but I was slowly being lead out. I prayed and prayed that I would stop hating my job and would learn to accept what I could not change and work with it.
Jan. 12, 2012
Bless the Lord, O my soul;
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
1) Who pardons all your iniquities;
2) Who heals all your diseases;
3) Who redeems your life from the pit;
4) Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
5) Who satisfies your desire with good things... Psalm 103:1-5a
And when they came to Marah, they could not drink the waters of Marah, for they were bitter; therefore it was named Marah. So the people grumbled at Moses, saying, "What shall we drink?" Then he cried out to the Lord and the Lord showed him a tree, and he threw it into the waters, and the waters became sweet. ... for I, the Lord, am your healer. ~ Exodus 15:23-25a, 26b
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The God who changed clean water into blood, who sent plagues to destroy Egypt and who delivered Israel with a might deliverance is a healer. He brought Israel from a place of bitterness to blessedness. How like the Israelites I am. I so quickly forget the blessings, the benefits of the Lord, and find myself in a place of bitterness... forgetting He who heals all my diseases and redeems my life from the pit. Rather than rebuke me with wrath, He rebukes me with love and replaces the place of bitterness to a place of blessedness. Oh the tender dealings of the Lord to His children. Bless the Lord, O my soul... God's LOVE and the healing and blessing He alone gives outweigh the vale of tears. Can you feel the weight of glory?
The school year is over, except for the closing ceremony. The kids finished their tests last week. I did decide to stay on for the next school year. It will not be without challenges -- I'll be teaching 6th grade! Hopefully the lessons from this year will have prepared me for next year. May my faith not be so Israelite...
Oh, and PS, the kids did learn something this year. Remember this post? Well, step by step, the kids DID get to where they could write better stories and paragraphs! It wasn't an overnight thing. I need to remember this at the beginning of next year. I still need to have a long-range goal, but not expect it to happen in the first quarter. They started the year not knowing how to write a paragraph. At the end, we were doing 'Pressure Writing' where I gave them a writing prompt and a time limit. The best ones got posted on the website, which was incentive for them to write. There was no pressure of a grade on it, so they actually had FUN doing something related to school! (Oh the horror!) If you want to see some of the stuff that they wrote, click here. Bear in mind that some of the pieces picked were also to boost self-confidence. Some of them might not look like much, but if you know where they came from, they are certainly "best work."
Congrats to whoever actually read this. I feel I have now done my duty to the blogosphere and can now disappear until the end of next school year.
